Waitng

I know Karen has made mention in her blog of the waiting, but thought I would just touch on it as well.  I know the wheels are in motion and the cancer therapy juggernaut and everything that goes with it will shortly have life  breathed into it.  To put it into perspective though, we were told on the 4th of October that Karen has cancer.  From our perspective nothing of any real consequence has happened since then.  Yes we have been to many doctor and specialist appointments in the interim, but in a real physical sense, nothing has changed since the 4th of October.  My inner voice is screaming to move things along.  Where is the sense of urgency!  In my mind this monster in Karen is intensifying in strength and gathering speed and spreading to who knows where.  My rational side tries to reason that this thing has been in Karen for probably quite some years, so whats another 6 weeks going to hurt.  The reason given that we haven't been able to start radiation therapy is that Karen's wound needs to heal a bit more before they obliterate anything in that region again.  So the 12th of November begins "D Day".

As most men are, we are the fixers.  What's the problem, what do I have to do to resolve and fix this for you right now.  We are not good at just listening and waiting.  It is the most helpless and desperate I think I have ever felt.  Seeing my wife and all her fears and anxiousness and not being able to do anything to make it better equates to a failure on my part.  I know there is nothing I can do but that's the feeling.  The waiting is a demon in its self.  It is very hard not to dwell and entertain best and worse case scenarios and everything in between.  So in short, I have been a bit of a mess over the last month.  I am particularly hard on myself because I think this is the time that Karen really needs me to be strong for her and our family.  An extra measure of guilt on top of everything else to deal with.  Karen has commented that she  has read that it is often more difficult for immediate family members than for the person who has it.  I think there is some merit in that too.  I am hoping that once the focus actually shifts to the daily radiation therapy, I will be the support Karen needs and she can lean on me.