Black Hole Sun Won't You Come And Wash Away The Rain

Week 1 down and feeling pretty dark about the whole proceedings.  Really hate what is happening and what it is doing to our family.  A necessary evil?  I will be stronger for this challenge?  Really?  Not feeling it at the moment.  Was a lot more happy in my weakness.  Those previous sayings just sound like meaningless cliches.  It's right up there with people who say it's good luck if it rains on your wedding day.  Again, really.  Surely the only people who say and believe that are those who got rained on.  Still, it was a fine day when we got married and look where we are now...maybe there is something in it.

Up until this week it felt like Karen and I were doing this together.  Even though she has the cancer, we  were in it together.  However this week, I have felt us drifting apart.  This is a hard one to try and explain.  Not drifting in a loving relational sense, but more in a physical and emotional sense.  She and I are obviously going through different things.  In only 5 days, I have watched on helplessly as Karen's body starts to show the signs of radiotherapy.   The redness around her neck is now visible.  She has the start of sores around the bottom of her gums.  She is very tired and usually sleeps the trip home in the car and then some more when we get home.  We jokingly comment on facebook about the lack of saliva and her dry mouth and the use of an artificial lubricant, but the reality is this will be the case for the rest of her life.  It absolutely kills me to see this happening and not be able to say or do anything to ease the situation.  What do you say when someone comes out of radiotherapy session?  "How did that go?", "Was it as bad as yesterday?", "That was quick", "Are you ok?"  Sounds pathetic.  So although I am there, I have no idea what Karen is going through, I have no idea how she feels, I just feel so totally separated.  It is happening to her and I wish I could take her place.  It really sucks!

So on top of this, there is the Centrelink forms. Karen had a GP appointment this afternoon to have some medical forms filled out for Centrelink.  Nothing like seeing in black and white terms and words and phrases about Karens cancer like, terminal, outcome uncertain, high mortality rate.  So with these thoughts swirling around in my head we head into the weekend.  A 2 day break of rest and recreation, (hahaha) before we start the process all again, all the same, next week and the following week and the week after that and so on.  Looking forward to doing my laps at the Aquatic Centre tomorrow morning to try and wash some of this muck out of me through some exercise.

For those of you who may not be into the music thing, the title of this post is from Soundgarden's Black Hole Sun.  Cool band and song if not a little bleak, but does suite the occasion and the mood I am in.