Mixed Emotions

Anger - a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong.
A pretty strong emotion that if not kept in check causes all sorts of messed up thoughts.  At the moment this is my biggest hurdle in getting through a day.  It aims to detract from my faith journey and undermine the very basic day to day activities and interactions.

Anger I get.  Yes I am angry this has happened to Karen and our family.  Who wouldn't be.  The roll on or ripple effect of so many different scenarios and outcomes is huge for now and years to come.  I am not looking for the reason why.  The age old question that if God is a God of love then why does he allow bad things to happen to people?  I am not looking for an answer here.  I am confident that God has it all in control and that is not for me to worry about.  If he feels I need an answer, I am sure all will be revealed when I am with him.  However that doesn't mean I am not angry at God.  At the moment it is a battle to spend time with him, to come into his house, to read his word and sing his praises.  This doesn't mean I love him any less or I have lost my faith.  More a case that I just need to have some space and time before I allow him back.  In the simplest form, it is a bit like having a fight with a family member.  They may do and say some things that you disagree with and make you angry.  Your reaction might be one of just needing some space and time, to let the dust settle.  You don't  love them any less, but right at that moment you don't want to be with them.  I can say things are improving on this score.  After a couple of weeks hiatus at church I have been back with a better heart attitude.

As for people.....EGR.....Extra Grace Required.  Some people seem void of that social compass and continue to talk about things that are upsetting.  (If I hear one more cancer story I think I will scream).  To be blunt, I just don't care at the moment.  We are living our own little nightmare story real time.  When we say, " we don't feel like talking about it and can we change the subject", we mean it!   That means you, not somebody else, it does not give you licence to keep on until we are visibly upset.  If we want to talk about it and feel we can, then we will, but please don't think us rude if we shut it down either.  Are you beginning to sense today was not a good day for us?  Praying for more self control and patience tomorrow.

Drama or Drama Queens - A Bit About ACC

It's funny that while you don't have to, you know so little about cancer.  However when it strikes your immediate family, it opens up a whole new world you never really knew much about.  If you are lucky enough, your experience with cancer may be somebody you know of, but that sort of thing is not meant to happen to you.  Since the "Zanker World" and the "Cancer World" collided on the 4th of October we now know a bit more of what we are dealing with.

Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma, or ACC, is a rare form of cancer generally found starting in the saliva glands, but  can also originate in 38 other organs, glands or other places in the body.  Of a study done in America over a  10 year period, there were (round figures), 500,000 reportable cases of cancer of which ACC made up just over a 1,000.  It's is described as being initially slow and gradual in its growth, however once growing is insidious, aggressive in nature and relentless.  It does not respond to chemotherapy and when it returns it generally will reappear in the lungs.  It does not use the lymphatic system, but rather travels through the nervous system.  There is no other way of saying the outcome of treatment and what the reality of this cancer will be.  As much as you want to be positive and put on the rose coloured glasses, the black and white of it is grim. We are optimistic that it will not return in 3 to 5 years.  Unfortunately as the years go on, studies have shown the chance of it returning is greater than 60%.  This not to say that some people have gone on to live to a ripe old age.  Our intention is to be "those people".

So Drama or Drama Queens?  All I know is there is a very real possibility that I will not have a wife at my side and our 3 boys may not have a mother.  I know that is the case potentially for everybody, but it just seems to me that it is more than an unequal playing field for us right now.  So when people ask, "how are you going", I lie.  It's easier for me and them too I think because the reality is I am not fine and it is taking every part of me just to be in present, to not entertain the 'what if" scenarios, which at the moment are all consuming.  I am praying this feeling will ease and pass, but at the moment as Karen describes it, we have a ticking time bomb and we just don't know when and if it will go off.

So what now while we wait.....Philippians 4:8

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -think about such things."

We Are Not In Control

Have you ever sat in the passengers seat of a car and felt like you were in control.  I know I haven't.  In fact some of my most terrifying rides have been from the passengers seat.  Can you relate to just how helpless you feel as you hurtle down the road, trees and other cars a blur, wishing you could swap seats and take control of the situation, put the brakes on and come to a halt.  Bring things back to "your normal", safety and security that you desperately want.

  My wife Karen was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer in the throat 3 weeks ago and that is how I feel.  Our safe secure life that we have built up around us has been obliterated by one single word, CANCER.  I definitely feel like I am in the passengers seat.  Absolutely helpless to do anything.  In a world where we are constantly told by advertising and other that it's all about us, that we need to take control of our lives, that we have the power to change things, blah blah blah and all the other cliches about self this and self that, one word, cancer, certainly to me highlights that we are NOT in control.  Dont mis-interpret this for your outlook on the situation.  By all means be positive when you can, but that will not change the fact that you have cancer.  

When I became a Christian 9 years ago, Proverbs 3:5 quickly became a favourite and I still hold on to this daily.  Even more so now.  It reads,

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding: 6 In all your ways acknowledge him, And he will direct your path."

Its hard to do.  Basically give up thinking you are in control and trust God.  There are things happening all around that just don't make sense.  Don't try and understand them because we are not privy to Gods bigger picture for our lives.  We just have to acknowledge this and he already has our path laid out.  He has had this path laid out before we were even born.  That's all I can do, Trust in the Lord.  He is in the driver seat and we are all just passengers.  We may find the journey still terrifying at times, but the destination is definitely worth the ride.

To my non Christian friends who know me, my intension is not to preach to you, but more a case of just explaining to you where I am at and what I believe.  I don't often put my faith out there in your face verbally as that is not the way I am.  Having said that though, you have visited my blog so put up with it.  I will just say that the idea of this blog is really just a form of passing on information about what is happening about the caner with Karen, the treatment and how we are coping.  So please come back to see what the Zanker's are up to.